CAUTION: This post is not meant for my mother, current (or future) employers, or former alcoholics. It is written in jest, so don’t blame me if you end up with your stomach pumped. I’d also like to remind everyone that Gazette employees don’t drink on the job.

Rightly so, I am writing this in Mulready’s Pub on a Friday night, Brambleberry Martini in hand. I was reviewing my bank statements last month while pretending to be an adult with a budget and financial planning stuff, and I noticed I spend a high portion of my income on alcohol.

We all drink for different reasons: to socialize, out of boredom, to hunt for slutty people, because we’re lonely, to forget, etc. I drink to relax, be with friends, feel silly, and because I genuinely enjoy the taste of a good brewsky. (But my favorite drink is a whiskey gingerale.)

I decided that if I continue to spend money on booze, I should know why I’m doing it and have a game plan. So here it goes: my guide to drinking like a small-town journalist. (Please don’t die of alcohol poisoning. Or judge me. Actually it’d be great if you don’t do either.)

Kindly allow Billy Joel to get you in the mood for the rest of this post. It’s a classic.

 

SMALL TOWN JOURNALIST DRINKING GAMES

Small-town style: Take a shot every time:

• A sweet old lady calls to tell you about what she watched on CBS
• The store down the street puts 15 “5% off” signs on the front door
• Nothing happens outside

Animals in the headlines: Drink whenever you write a story about:

• An opossum-bite
• An escaped ostrich
• The hot-button chicken issue
• The squirrel caused a blackout
• Another runaway dog

All these things have made the headlines of The Emporia Gazette, which is why I love my job.

Pure journalism: (I don’t drink at work) Take two sips each time:

• The power goes out right before deadline
• A source takes something off the record after an interview
• Someone gives you a blank look in the middle of an interview
• You’re stressed/sleep deprived/both and therefore slap-happy.

(Does the hospital still have discounts for group stomach pumping?)

 

TOASTING THE MEDIA MASTERS

Option 1: The Don Draper

Yeah, I know Don Draper isn’t real. A girl can drink and dream though, can’t she? Don Draper doesn’t take it on the rocks. Don Draper drinks in the middle of a day. Don Draper drinks with his boss at the beginning, middle and end of every day. Don Draper should’ve had his stomach pumped by Season 4 of “Mad Men.” Actually, let’s scratch Don Draper from our list of heroes. He’s just a pretty face and an Old Fashioned.

Mad Men Cocktail Guide from AMC

Option 2: The William Allen White

Apparently no one actually knows why William Allen White is famous outside of Emporia. Suffice it to say, he was sincere, kind, courageous, and one hell of a writer. If he had a drink, I think it would include three shots awesome and one shot of rum. I’m proud to work at his old newspaper. Let’s all raise a glass.

Option 3: The Walter Cronkite

I actually don’t know too much about Walter Cronkite. I’m not a huge fan of televised news. But he was cool! Hmm…that Brambleberry Martini is kicking in. Better Google “Walter Cronkite” for ya…

(Two minutes later) Well that was gold! Walter Cronkite is featured in winemag.com

Here’s Walt on wine: “I was so concerned with illness I had acquired that I went to see a doctor. He asked about my habits and so forth, and I told him. I didn’t include my diet at all. And he said, “Do you drink alcohol?” And I said, “Well sure, doesn’t everybody?” So he asked, “Do you have alcohol in the evening, at lunch, when?” “Lunch,” I answered. “What do you have?” “White wine,” I said. And he said, “How much white wine do you have?” “Oh maybe a bottle.” The doctor looke at me, sort of gasped and told me, “And you wonder why you’re going to sleep in the afternoon?” From then on I became a more intelligent wine drinker..”

Well I can’t leave you on a better cautionary tale than that. Thank you Walt, my new hero!

Good night and good luck! Whoops, wrong guy.

Here’s the rest of the Brambleberry Martini: “TO EDWARD MURROW!”