By definition, this post categorizes and stereotypes people. But let’s be honest — they are all based in truth. I love everyone in Emporia. That doesn’t mean I’d like to split rent with them, but I’m glad they’re around. These people are everywhere, but they are more noticeable the fewer total people are around.

1. The town nutjob(s)

I’m thinking of an individual who will remain nameless, but owns a collared shirt with a print of wild turkeys. He spends half his days on The Emporia Gazette website, commenting with 500-word rants links to bizarre, radical right-wing YouTube videos. But if you meet him on the street, he seems more or less normal. Tricky to spot.

2. The sweet and elderly

Smaller towns are full of retirees. Ottawa, Kansas, has the slogan: “Live, Explore, Retire.” Yep — it’s one of their selling points. I enjoy the stories they tell, and our businesses are glad they’re around to shop during daylight hours.

3. The modern cowboy

He isn’t herding cows, but might own an antique tractor or combine. Like all of Kansas, we have our fair share of pick-ups. These are frequenters at the local diner, who live a few miles outside city limits and come back for a hot meal out.

4. University kids

I’ve only been out of college for half a year, but when a herd of skinny-jean, circle-scarf, freshly straightened hair university kids come into the bar, I feel like I should own a walker. The girls only order drinks with blueberries and vodka ingredients. If you’re bored, play “All About Dat Bass” on the jukebox and watch them go nuts like fat kids in a candy store.

5. The outliers

Easier to identify than #1. This is the man with a Duck Dynasty beard who rides a bike down the main street of town. Last week, I saw a man walking down the street with brass knuckles, carrying a parakeet on his shoulder. These are the people I wish I had the courage to talk to, because I know they have great stories and insights. But I’m also afraid of getting mugged by those steel knuckles. You do not see that in a suburb.

6. The rest

OK, so most people are pretty normal and basically the same as anyone else in any city anywhere. To everyone I may have offended, let me buy you a beer at Mulready’s Pub. Especially if you have a parakeet — just leave the brass knuckles at home.