I haven’t written about romance or relationships before. If you have read my posts before, you know I am very honest. But speaking of insecurities related to love puts one in a vulnerable position. What if someone should misunderstand and think of me not as someone who may have valuable experience and advice, but as a single girl publicly trying to affirm her comfort in singlehood while secretly wallowing with a pint of Ben & Jerry’s, pining after all the men I have and haven’t dated?

But I decided it’s silly to over-analyze how others perceive these posts. I mean to share experiences and insights, and if this does not come through the way I intend, that’s just the way it is.

It can be confusing to navigate my thought process – like a road trip with many U-turns, I’m never sure where I’ve been until I look back on my map of mistakes and annoyingly helpful GPS instructions. But there you are.

Singlehood anxiety

Last week, another Facebook friend got engaged. Good for her, I tried to think, suppressing my immediate anger because I know such an emotion is an inappropriate response to two people declaring their undying love and commitment.

Good for her.

I imagined her entering lifelong romance, going through life in the type of ridiculous activities you see in bad romance movies – eating breakfast in a Tuscan villa, rowing across a swan-covered lake at sunset, becoming two old people who eat sandwiches on park benches and feed the leftovers to the same pack of swans as earlier. Swans are weird.

Once the scenes began to fade, the feeling of injustice welled up again. Where are my swans? Where is my Tuscan villa? Why should this girl get to marry Hugh Grant when I’m her equal in conversation, wardrobe and music tastes? What else do I need to find Hugh Grant? Posters advertising “Single man with Ryan Gosling’s face, Edward Norton’s brains and Mark Ruffalo’s sense of humor, apply here for position of serious boyfriend”?

I began to analyze my past romances and male friendships, wondering if I had passed Mr. Right already while distracted by a shoe sale, graduation or lunch time. What if my soul mate had walked by just as I stooped to tie my shoe? The possibility of being alone forever because I had neglected to invest in Velcro was unbearable.

I even began to Facebook-stalk old friends, the purpose for which I believe Facebook was truly intended, just in case I missed someone along the way.

Waste. Of. Time.

While I was analyzing, idealizing and wondering, I could have been doing something that mattered. Instead of scrutinizing someone else’s personality, I could have been holding a magnifying glass to myself. I could have asked myself:

1. How would a relationship help me be happy?
2. Do I really have such low self-esteem that I think I missed out on love because of who I am?
3. What has being single taught me?

If I had started answering these questions when I was 14 years old, I would have saved myself a lot of pain and time over the years. But at least I’m trying to answer them now.

1. A relationship could give me affection, seeing myself through someone else’s eyes, and understanding another person.
2. I am a confident, well-adjusted person with a great capacity for understanding myself and others. Some days, I think I’m Wonder Woman.
3. I do not depend on another person for emotional security. When I’m alone, I usually don’t long for someone else to come in the room. I feel confident going to a party by myself, and leaving by myself.

Then I thought about marriage, which can be such a beautiful and difficult thing (I’m told).

I thought of how badly marriage can be if it’s rushed. I thought about why it can be rushed – a need for emotional security? Baby on the way? Arranged marriage?

I thought about the young divorcees I know, and how painful it must be when reality does not meet expectations.

I thought about couples who become so dependent on each other, they can’t stand to be apart for one night. Do I want to be in that relationship?

I think relationships can be wonderful experiences that help us to grow into better people. But there is nothing wrong with patience, with being comfortable alone, with waiting for a relationship that doesn’t fill a void, but adds some topping to your metaphorical cheesecake that can also stand just as well alone.

It’s good not to feel I need a relationship. It feels healthy, clean and strong. Not to say I would turn down a relationship if it felt right, but I’m not less of a person because I’m single. After all, there are no swans and Tuscan villas in life. Well there are, but not in this metaphor. There is hard work, understanding, and there is a time for everything.

Elizabeth I never married. She is one of the most memorable English queens, perhaps because she wasn’t busy Facebook-stalking the pizza guy to see if their zodiac signs were compatible. (I would have liked her to one day find the Victorian version of Hugh Grant. But I suppose she was happy.)

Maybe I, too, can give something to the world instead of focusing on what’s missing in my own life.

So that’s the story of why I stopped Facebook-stalking single guys. Sorry, Zuckerberg.