I’m not only a serial pet-killer. I’m also a shopping addict. Emporia has very few clothing stores, which for someone vain as me is basically a death sentence. Thank goodness I’m not a pioneer and don’t share my WiFi with anyone. However, my online shopping habits put a real dent in my wallet.

Upside? I look damn good (well I think so). But if I’m not careful, I’ll end up suffocating beneath a mountain of discount bunny slippers. Or just plain bunnies.

 

Useless things I have bought online:

• A ukulele
• 1920s deco-style earrings
• A dinosaur-shaped desk-organizer
• 24 used tennis balls
• A graphic sloth T-shirt featuring a glasses-wearing sloth
• An skeleton-hand print oven mitt
• An octopus necklace

Shoutout to modcloth.com for providing five out of seven of those items!

I know, I know. They aren’t useless. But could I live without the crap? Possibly. But I mostly buy clothes, which seems practical since my newsroom doesn’t look too kindly on nudity. Although nudity is legal in Emporia!

 

Sidebar to seem less horrible

This would probably be a good time to mention that although I waste money on clothes and crap I don’t need, I do some good. For $30 a month, I sponsor a child in Guatamala through Children International and have a rolling Kiva microloan for business startups in developing countries. I’m not completely awful. Just a little. But hey, it’s Christmas, which is all about materialism alongside the warm and fuzzy! God bless us, every one!

 

My credit card begs to differ

It’s easy to play a game between me and the wallet. “When I have $X in the bank account, I can buy that cute dress with pockets.” I’ve been looking at that one for months. Never going to happen. But after two weeks or so of playing, I say “To hell with it!” and buy it anyway. Everybody wins!

One day I’ll learn self control and patience. One day. Or I’ll go broke.

 

Why I don’t stop buying

I like to think that if Laura Ingalls had access to eBay, she might have upgraded from the dirt floors and bought some fly discount bonnets. Really, materialism is nothing new. Heck, the Egyptian pharoahs asked to be buried with piles of possessions. But now, unlike Egyptian slaves, a few extra bucks means you can buy a discount wedding dress on our old friend, eBay!

True confessions, I am in a lower income bracket. Most journalists are and always will be. Poorish people such as myself have an entirely different philosophy on money.

You see, when rich people have extra funds, they invest. It could be stocks, a famous painting or rare horses to breed and sell. They already have most of the material things they want.

If you live paycheck to paycheck like I sometimes do, you never have extra money. When you do, you’re so happy to see it you kiss it all over and think of where you can take it. The mall? A nice meal? Towards a new DVD player? Everyone has that one luxury they’ve been dreaming of since last payday. For me, it’s a tie between a new phone and a selfie toaster. Truly food for thought.

 

And the point is…

I like shopping online. I love coming home to find a cardboard box with my name on it. I love pining away over some gorgeous dress to finally give in and buy the sucker. I love trying things on for the first time, looking in the mirror and saying, “Damn I look good.” Am I shallow, vain and broke? Probably. But will I continue surfing for web coupons and deals? Absolutely.